I Hit a Baby in the Face with a Bottle of Gin

bottle

I didn’t mean to, really. It wouldn’t have been so bad had I gotten beer–I meant to get beer. That woman, the shopkeeper, “the gin is on sale,” she said. So, I’ve now hit a baby in the face with a bottle of gin.

It made a dink sound.

“Shit!” I cried, as the baby hit the sidewalk. It could have only been in its first hundred, or perhaps two-hundred steps, ever. I dropped the bag on the ground. It clinked. I bent to help the baby.

“Shit, I’m so sorry.”

The baby’s mother pushed me away. She picked up her baby and looked at me, horrified. The baby wailed against her neck. It was a little chilly outside.

“What is wrong with you!” The mother yelled at me.

“Shit I’m–”

“Stop saying shit!” she cried, holding her baby’s ears.

I stepped back, “sh–I mean, I am sorry, it just stumbled at the last second.”

“It’s not an it!”

I nodded, dropping my cigarette behind my back. I nodded again, for good measure. “I’m sorry.”

The mother eyed my bag of groceries, suspicious. I tried to hide it behind my leg, stepping away slowly. Boy, did that baby wail. The mother checked over its head, then kissed it, seeming a bit calmer.

“Is it okay?” I asked, not thinking. Slowly, she turned. She looked at me with all the fury a mother can muster, and trust me–it’d send God running.

And I’m not God, but still–I ran.

29 Comments

  1. Well crafted, indeed.

    Brings back a memory. 19 yrs old, first time in Paris (or any other country). Coming in from the airport, got a subway during rush hour, helping one the women in the group who had brought way too much luggage. Squeezed and then heard a muffled thump, felt it in the handle. Looked over, to where I held one bags up as I weaved in and saw a baby in its mother arms, its head rocking from side to side, looking a bit stunned, the mother looking at me “with all the fury a mother can muster…it’d send God running.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What an insanely clever premise! I love the originality of all your flash fiction pieces; this one might be in the top…okay, it’s in the top for humor. All of your writings are most excellent and I enjoy getting the chance to read them, whenever they pop up in my Reader and I’m not slammed. Thanks for the laughs!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha thank you very much. I always try to change up themes and genres so that I’m not just a one trick pony but I do enjoy writing the humor ones a lot. I often go and read them to Nikita after and say “is this funny? I can’t tell if this is funny?” He’s my meter haha. I’m glad you enjoy our work, we’ll do our best to keep it up till the end.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have not understood your conversation with “mitch fourtwenty” and the explanation to the “dink” sound. You were hit by the bottle? And he recommended the classic way with a gin bottle (which it actually was in the story) and you said that was the mistake?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. ohh I see, again an understanding problem…it was ambiguous. Meant like: get the baby drunk and make a hit? Sorry I know, asking and explaining jokes is horrible, but as I started, I want to understand now…; )

        Like

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