How to Make Racist Friends and Alienate People

Q sits in my kitchen drinking a canned gin and tonic from a dirty wine glass. “I can’t make any friends in Russia,” he says. I wait. “Q.” He turns. “We’re friends.” He shrugs. “Kind of.” “Kind of how?” “We are just two people who don’t really listen to each other talk. That’s much better than friends.” I frown. “How is that better than friends?” … Continue reading How to Make Racist Friends and Alienate People

Oral Fix-Nation!

Every time I’ve tried to fall asleep for the past ten-or so years, I’ve spent the first twenty minutes–eyes closed–thinking the same thing; it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep.  Next, I decide it’s time to quit smoking. This goes on for another fifteen or so minutes before I get too stressed-out and need a cigarette. Last night I sat up in … Continue reading Oral Fix-Nation!

The Center of the Universe

Dave called me in a panic. “Hey Dave, what–” “Hey man, so, you’re pretty religious right?” “Uh,” I frowned at my open refrigerator, I closed it. “Yeah, Dave, I guess. I mean–I go to Church like everyone else.” There was a pause at the other end, one of those tense serious ones. “Dave?” “Yeah, yeah. So, you know, do you think Earth is the center … Continue reading The Center of the Universe