Most Elves are porn stars. Most people don’t know this. I didn’t know this.

They have us in a hotel room. It is small, poorly lit. The bed is against the wall, the couch to the side, they have a camera set up. An elf, all in black, sits cross-legged on the window-sill. He looks up from his phone. He doesn’t smile.

He is a Russian elf.

A girl is there, she has long hair and the make-up artist is painting her face. She isn’t smiling either. When she is done, they have her stand in front of the lights and the camera and they hand her a piece of paper.

“We need you to read this,” they tell her. It is the news.

She takes a moment to look it over. She looks up into the camera.

“Go,” they say.

She takes a breath. “This week in financial news!” she says. She smiles. They frown. The elf looks up from his phone.

“No!” he calls.

She starts again, “this week in financial—”

“Again!” the elf cries. I look at him, then at her. She takes a breath,

“This wee—”

The elf stands up, walks closer. “No, you need to say it like you’re talking to many men. MEN watch financial news, talk like talking to men,” he says.

I look to him then to her, “yeah, like porn,” I say. I smirk at my own joke.

Then, “YES!” the elf cries. He waves a finger at me, knowingly. “Yes, like porn. Go.”

I look up at the girl, she is looking at me. I shrug apologetically. She looks back to the camera.

“This week in financial news.”

“Again!”

“Thiis week in Financial…news.”

“YES! YES!” The elf nods vigorously, he goes back to the window, “yes,” he tells himself, sitting. “Like porn,” he adds.

He looks at us. “Most elves are porn stars,” he says.

I look up at the girl, then back to the elf.

“Huh, I never knew.”

A Writer and an artist living in Russia

9 Comment on “Most Elves are Porn Stars

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