bap-fag-dap-bip-bop

Four-thousand years ago God fashioned Adam from dust. God then took one of Adam’s ribs and created Eve as his companion.

He sat them down.

“See that tree over there,” he told them.

They looked.

“Do not eat from that tree,” he commanded, before adding, “and also, I hate fags.”

Adam and Eve turned to look up at God. His face was contorted, and he was looking off across the Garden of Eden, “I really hate fags,” he whispered to himself.

Adam turned to Eve and shrugged, she looked up to God. “What are fags?” she asked. God looked down at her, he didn’t answer. He looked to Adam for he had given Adam a voice that pleased him and so Adam spoke, “What are fags?”

God sat down and laid his hand on Adam’s knee, “well, you two are going to have sex, a lot of it—I mean, there is not much else to do here so, there you have it. You’re going to have some babies who are going to have sex with each other, I know—I know, look, I only had enough juice to make the two of you so, it is what it is. Your babies will have babies who will have babies and then one day two of your male babies are going to start having sex. Those are fags. They are freaks. There will be this place called America, it’s really the only place I’ll ever really love but, well–fags will ruin it.”

By the end, Eve was weeping, Adam placed his hand on God’s. “But, what can we do?”

God shrugged, “I will send those righteous few weapons to battle the scourge of faggotry.”

Eve’s eyes were dried by hope, Adam smiled, “what weapons?”

God swelled with pride, “signs, great big fucking signs.”

“It sounds marvelous!” Eve said, clasping Adams hand.

God looked down at Eve’s hand, then into Adams eyes. Adam met his gaze, awed.

“Why don’t you go play by that tree over there,” God told Eve.

Eve stood up, God placed his other hand on Adam’s other knee. Eve looked to the tree, then back to God, “may I taste just one piece of fruit.”

But, God was not paying attention.

“Sure, just fuck-off would you,” God mumbled, and so Eve headed off toward the tree.

The rest, as they say, is revisionist history propagated by fag-loving Jews.

 

A Writer and an artist living in Russia

16 Comment on “The Bible According to the Westboro Baptist Church

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