It is time to stop waiting for our letter.
We know that you’ve been spending too much time staring at pictures of owls, taxidermy owls, people with exceptionally large eyes, and owls themselves; it makes them uncomfortable.
We know that when you get Chinese food, you open your chopsticks and whisper spells to yourself while waving one of them around even though when your food comes, you use a fork. It’s culturally insensitive.
We know that you’ve been writing and rewriting a letter to J.K. Rowling in the hopes that she will put in a good word for you, she won’t. Please burn it.
We know that when you see a snake, you hiss things to it, it’s embarrassing. That’s why she left you.
I know this might all sound a bit harsh but, we wanted to write this letter to you because we feel it is our responsibility to remind you; you’re turning thirty this year. It just isn’t going happen.
Take solace–you’re a damn fine regional manager.
Professor M McGonagall,
Headmistress, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
P.S. Stop stealing your ten year old neighbor’s mail. Just, stop.
Soon to appear in Dan Alatorre’s Humor Anthology.
To be released: January 2018.