Interview with Albert Coughlin
Location: Washington, D.C.
Date: Tuesday, July 25, 2031
COLLINS: Alright Albert, why don’t we just dive right in–oh, I mean, why don’t we get started here. Can you tell our readers what drove you to do this? There are so many theories out there and we can’t begin to cover them all.
ALBERT COUGHLIN: Hm–theories, huh? like what?
COLLINS: oh, some are quite juicy. Some say you did it because of a woman.
ALBERT COUGHLIN: Oh–wouldn’t that be sweet. No–unfortunately it was not for anything so romantic. No, I just always thought, how could I truly change the world. Be remembered, forever.
COLLINS: well, you’ve certainly done that but–
ALBERT COUGHLIN: Yes, well, that was really it. I knew that I had to do something important with my life, something no one has ever done.
COLLINS: How long will the pigs be up there?
ALBERT COUGHLIN: the craft is self-sustaining. And, now that it’s in orbit, it will stay there up for quite some time. We’ve made a whole ecosystem in there so that the pigs can eat and live comfortable lives. We don’t want them to live poor lives just because they are part of our experiment do we?
COLLINS: Oh, no–of course not. So, you’ve received quite a lot of criticism. You are considered to be one of the smartest if not the smartest man born in over a century. Many people believe you’ve wasted your intellect for the sake of a prank.
ALBERT COUGHLIN: A prank, how so?
COLLINS: Well, with the amount of money you’ve spent making pigs fly, you could have done a lot of good for the world. Actually there is the website, have you seen it?
ALBERT COUGHLIN: I don’t spend much time on the internet if I’m honest.
COLLINS: It calculates the amount of people you could have fed with the amount of money you’ve spent. I think it’s climbed to over three-hundred-million. What do you think about that?
ALBERT COUGHLIN: Ms. Collins, history is full of geniuses who wasted their lives trying to prevent hunger, pain–and even sillier, death. I have shown people that truly nothing is impossible by–look, I don’t need to defend myself. Not to you–anyone.
COLLINS: of course, my apologies. Of course. So, what do you think you’ll do next? I’ve placed a bet that you’re on your way to hell with a giant bucket of ice. Can you give me the inside scoop?
ALBERT COUGHLIN: I think we’ve covered everything we need to cover.
COLLINS: of course, yes. Thank you for joining us. This has been JANE COLLINS at ABCNS with Albert Coughlin, CEO of Coughlin Enterprises, the man who made pigs fly.