I sit at the bar alone. It is a Tuesday. It isn’t late, it isn’t early. The sun has been hanging around later these days, yet the wind is still at war with the warmth, so I take my jacket out with me to smoke.
A man is there, speaking English into his phone. Something about an apology. He puts two fingers to his lips, looking my way. I pass him a cigarette. He cringes as he places it in his mouth as though he’s taken it from the lit end. He turns away.
I find him later, in the bar, also alone.
“Hey man,” I say. He gives me a funny look.
“You’re American?” he asks.
I nod.
“You like Trump?”
I sigh. “Honestly don’t care.”
He frowns. “That’s worse.”
“Oh well. You?”
“Do I like trump?”
“No, where are you from?”
He seems to think about it a moment.
“England,” he decides. He doesn’t sound English.
“Mind if I?”
He takes his jacket off the chair beside him. I sit.
“So,” he says, “why don’t you care about trump–ah!”
His face jolts into a grimace.
I lean away, confused.
“Sorry,” he mumbles. He taps his neck. I look and notice a thin strip of metal around it.
“What the hell is that?”
He slips a finger under it, itching. “Drunk collar,” he says, as though it is a thing.
“Excuse me?”
“You haven’t heard of them?”
I shake my head.
“Ah, well, you take them out when you go drinking. You can program them to shock you whenever you do something you wouldn’t normally do sober.”
“Uh-huh.”
He laughs. “No, I know, it sounds absurd. My wife got me hooked on it. It helps. You make more friends, and when you do, you keep them.”
I look at the collar again. It doesn’t look too fancy.
“How do you program it?” I ask.
He pulls out his phone.
“There is an app.” He turns the phone to me. “This is my list.”
driving
eating chicken wings past 10PM
touching female strangers
fighting
texting ex-girlfriends
smoking
arguing about politics
public urinat–
He puts his phone back in his pocket before I can finish the list.
“Anyways, it’s a long one.”
“I see.”
“But really man, how could you people elect Trump–AH,” he grits through the pain.
I shy away from him a bit. “Look, I don’t like talking about politics, like, ever. And, well, you seem to know it’s a bad idea.”
He shakes his head, knocking away the pain. “My wife made this list with my damn mother-in-law,” he growls.
“I’m sorry?”
He seems to calm down a bit.
“It’s fine. I just don’t understand you Americans.”
I shrug. “You don’t have to. Not sure we do.”
He takes his drink down in one.
“I’m off to piss,” he says. Then his face twists into knots.
“Not right here!” he cries at his collar. It calms down, he sighs and heads for the bathroom.
LOL … I can think of few people that could do wiht one of these!! 🙂
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Haha yes. I think they should be given out at bars all over the world. Life would be a lot more pleasant.
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Yes! Now I’d like to see that! … Great post!
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This is my story, excellent! very funny!
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Haha, thanks. It’s what I’d dedicate my life to if I were an inventor instead of a writer. The world needs it. Hell, I need it.
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We need a kickstarter for those. 🙂
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For sure. I need to make friends with some crazy scientist so they can make my weird ideas into a reality.
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You need to co-market it with drunk contraceptives.
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haha true. I’m sure there is a whole playground of inventions that need to be made in this area.
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“drunk contraceptives”?…hahaha….but then you should at least block one point from the list, otherwise the business is counterproductive.
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Haha yes. Very true. Well everyone can make their own lists. I think a few of these could be turned off for a couple of nights. But not if your mother and law has the controls
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I agree! Otherwise it cannot be a bestseller. Nobody wants to be handcuffed!
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Do you illustrate your own covers at the top of each of these?
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great story btw
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Thank you.
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Ah. So this is a collaborative project. I am a writer. Nikita is an artist. We wanted to practice our respective talents. So everyday I write a story and send it to Nikita and then he draws something inspired by that story. Then we post. Mostly between 11:50-12:00 haha.
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Dear drunk-collar. Where the hell were you last year when I did that thing that I shouldn’t have done? You bastard, you were drunk yourself.
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haha yeah. It never is around when you need it to be huh
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sorry flash, question @paolsoren…; )
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so what did you do….lol?
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no way!
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What a pity … it was worth a try!
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Things I wouldn’t do when sober: Have a fourth beer. The collar would be awesome, and I’d get up for work more often.
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Haha yes. I’m right there with you. I sat down and thought, “huh, what would be the most useful invention for my life.” and this was it.
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Then there are three possibilities: invent, drink less or “binge drinking”.
. (If you do not remember it is not as bad …;))
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hahaha what a philosophy. I like it. Now I should invent some sort of drunk recording device. Only turns on when you’re doing something embarrassing.
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hahaha…..but this would turn in the wrong direction! Better invent something to delete bad memories in others head…a little bit like this app for the photos…: )
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Haha actually this conversation gave me a rough outline for a new story. I’ll see how it comes out.
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I’m curious…: ) !
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Haha, Loved reading the story… thanks.
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[…] mentions: The Drunk Collar and The Shame Pill (I left these out because they kind of come as a pair and I didn’t want to […]
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