The State of Maine Versus Gerald Ford’s Miniatures
By Benjamin Davis
DEPUTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY
SCENE: Court room. Wooden tables and chairs, smooth and clean. The Deputy District Attorney sits at his table drinking a glass of water. The Public Defender is seated at a table on top of which sit One, Two, Four, Five, Six, Eight, Nine, and Ten in eight identical miniature chairs. The Bailiff is standing beside the full bench of jurors. He yawns.
Bailiff [in a commanding tone]: All rise. Department One of the Superior Court is now in session. Judge Thompson presiding. Please be seated.
Judge [with professionalism]: Good morning. Calling the case of the State of Maine versus Gerald Ford’s Miniatures. Are both sides ready?
Deputy District Attorney [with sincerity]: Ready for the People, Your Honor.
Public Defender [with sincerity]: Ready for the defense, Your Honor.
Judge: Will the clerk please swear in the jury?
CLERK: Will the jury please stand and raise your right hand? Do each of you swear that you will fairly try the case before this court, and that you will return a true verdict according to the evidence and the instructions of the court, so help you, God? Please say “I do”
JURY [with honesty]: I do
JUDGE: The opening statements will begin with the prosecution, you have the floor.
Deputy District Attorney: (walking to center stage). Your Honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury: the defendants are killers, plain and simple. The evidence in this case will show that on the twenty-second of November they, with malicious pretense, murdered Gerald Ford. You are going to hear testimony from Officer Morgan who arrived on the scene to find the little murderers sitting calmly, covered in the blood of an additional miniature. (pause).
You will also hear from the victim’s sister who will tell you about the environment created by these miniatures that trapped Gerald Ford in his home, in a state of fear, until the Miniatures finally decided to go through with their premeditated murder. The defense would have you believe that these miniatures are somehow incapable of committing such a crime. This is a lie. (pause.)
In the night, these miniatures went into the bedroom of Mr. Gerald Ford and inserted a ball of filth into his throat causing him to choke and die. This was planned. And as a man lay dead on the floor, did any of them try to go for help? To revive him? No. This was murderer plain and simple and the evidence will prove it.
(Deputy District Attorney sits and is replaced by Public Defender)
Public Defender [pacing]: Not only are my clients not guilty, they are the victims. Gerald Ford was a tyrant who abused his miniatures to the point where one, a miniature referred to as Seven, snapped and killed his master. And, even with the prospect of further abuse and hostility, the miniatures present here attempted to stop this crime and sadly, failed. The evidence will show that the only blood present on my clients was that of the murderer who, unfortunately died attempting to stop him in the act of murdering Mr. Ford.
Ask yourselves, what is more likely? That eight miniatures, who, with millions in circulation have never once hurt their masters suddenly became murderers? (pause). Or, that one, through the intimidation and fear created by Gerald Ford, snapped and murdered his master.
The testimony from Mark Dowe, a co-worker of the client, will show what really happened. He will tell you how Gerald Ford told his miniatures that he murdered one of their own, a miniature referred to as Three, who, in fact never even existed.
These miniatures were trapped in the twisted house of horrors created by Mr. Ford and after witnessing his murder and the accidental death of Seven they were too traumatized to move. Officer Morgan’s testimony will show that they were in shock when he arrived and that they came willingly. The prosecution has a case based purely on circumstantial evidence. There are no eyewitnesses to this crime. However, there is more than enough evidence to show that my clients are not only not guilty, they are the true victims here.
(Public Defender takes his seat. Everyone takes a breath.)
(Blackout and end of Act I)
Catch up on the story of Gerald Ford’s Miniatures here: