Donuts and Fingernails

Two men sit in a café. The one eating a donut looks across at the one eating dirt from underneath his left-hand index finger and says:

“Y’know, I should rule the world.”

“No you shouldn’t,” says The Finger Man, wiping the dirt off his tongue with a napkin and moving on to his middle finger.

“Yes” protests The Donut Man “Give me absolute power and it’s fixed.”

“If anyone had absolute power, the world would be fixed.” Says The Finger Man through the end of his finger.

“How so?” asks the befuddled Donut Man

“Well,” says The Finger Man, catching a nail and spitting it onto the table. “If you had absolute power you’d be god, wouldn’t you? And if your God, the world is yours anyways so you can put it how you like. That’s like you coming to my house and saying if this were my house, I’d fix it. And, that’s not right.”

The Donut Man ruminates over a sip of coffee. Then, getting an idea, so sudden and brilliant he chokes a bit, he says:

“Aha! You don’t believe in God!”

The Finger Man sighs as he nibbles on his pinky. “Yes, but in your hypothetical situation you would be God. Would you ever walk into a broken down abandoned house belonging to no one and say if this were my house, I’d fix it? No, because that would be imbecilic. But, if you were an imbecile and you did do that and some fairy popped up and said have at it! Well, it would be your house then, wouldn’t it?”

The Finger Man continues. “But, let’s say I do have absolute power. Do you know what I’d do?”

The Donut Man only glares. The Finger Man tears a hangnail from his ring finger and goes on, “I’d invent a word. Just one word. And, it would be a stupid sounding word like flippity-ploppy-doppy-do-dat and before anyone decides to have a conversation as pointless as this they must say this word. That way they can feel as foolish at the beginning of the conversation as they do at the end. And it can act as a warning for people like me, who don’t care a lick for this kind of nonsense, to get up and leave the damn room. What do you think?”

The Finger Man smiles and munches on his thumb. The Donut Man drops his donut and storms off. When he gets to the door he turns and cries, “stop eating your damn fingernails! It’s disgusting!”


19 replies to “Donuts and Fingernails

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